Today I woke up to a notification on my phone. A text from my crush. Last week it started so simple with me saying "hello there" and them saying "how was your day?" Over the next couple days, it slowly turned into something horrifically complicated. The slight intricacies of which the text can be manipulated or misconstrued. The subtleties of the interpretation are far too often left up to my own imagination on what it could or could not mean. It is up to me to decipher one of the greatest mysteries known to man. A text. Earlier today it was just a "hello," but now it's a "hello" with a winky face after it. That means they're being playful. Or sexy. Or mischievous. Maybe they want me to think they are being playful so I respond in a playful manner. "Hey there." That's good. Not too much. Wait, do I need a smiley after that? Let's see, "hey there. colon. parenthesis." Yes, that's the winner. Now we wait. 10, 15, 22, 37 seconds till the reply. "What are you up to?" But it doesn't just say that. It, of course, says, "What capital R capital U up number 2?" Why is it in text shorthand? They never typed like that before. It means something. But what? Ah, got it. "You must be driving dot dot question mark." That must be it. They never type in shorthand. Unless someone else is replying for them. They are driving and their passenger is on text duty. Yes. That explains it. But who is this mystery passenger? Are they trustworthy enough to relay my messages as I am intending them to be read? Ah, the reply, "Yup." I knew it. The driving text reply. Where are they going? I shouldn't ask that. But maybe I can meet them there. I should ask. What if they want to be alone. Or maybe they are already meeting someone there. I shouldn't ask. However, this could be a perfect spur of the moment date type outing. Ask. It couldn't hurt. Ask. "Heading home" they tell me of their own accord. I see. I have my information. They are heading home. Alone? That's the new question. I don't want to blunt. How to convey this concern without actually conveying any concern at all? "Want some company?" Perfect. An affirmative means they are alone. A negative means...I don't know what that means. Granted, the affirmative could mean that they have company right now and they won't when they get home, ie: the mystery passenger. Either way, I have now put the ball in the air as it were. I'll have my answer on whether or not I'll be seeing them shortly. My mind can be at ease. It'll be great. Or highly disappointing. The soft vibration means I have my answer. "Maybe in a bit." Shit. That's completely open ended. That doesn't help at all. Are they just being coy or hard to get or whatever? Maybe? I hate maybe. Maybe they are simply sending the ball back this way. I should ask again. Yeah. That's what they want. They want to feel wanted. "How about I come by in an hour, period." Yes. Not a question. A statement. Text inception. The simplest form. Make a statement. I'm a genius. They have to say yes. Right? I wasn't too blunt. I was fun. Friendly. Flirty. It all works out in my favor. It's been a minute. Three minutes. Five and a half minutes. Calm down. They were driving. No response means they are solo and the mystery passenger doesn't exist. Or they are home and with them. AH. What is happening?! Where's my reply? It finally arrives. "Sure." No punctuation. No emoticon. Sure is just as wishy washy as maybe. It is a bit more towards the positive affirmation of things though. "Ok. See you in an hour." Perfect. Reaffirming that I will be at their place in an hour. "K" comes back quickly. That was fast. Does that mean they are excited? Could mean annoyed. I mean, it was just a capital k and not an ok. Is that telling in some way? Normally it's an ok. Again with the shorthand. Whatever. It's all good either way. I'm gonna be there in 56 minutes. "Food, question mark" flies at me. I wasn't expecting that. Does that mean that they want me to bring food? Or they are asking if I want food. Damn the one word question. How the hell do I reply to this? Ah ha. Two can play this game. "Sure" I'm so smart. This way they'll either ask what I want or ask me to pick something up. I amaze myself sometimes at my ability to think on my feet. "Awesome. Can't wait for dinner. See you soon." The words hit me hard. What the fuck. That doesn't help at all. Time to bite the bullet. "Me either. Should I bring something or do you have it taken care of at your place?" Boom. Straight forward. Now I'll know what the plan is. If they say that they are taking care of it, that means home cooked meal and I'm golden. If I am responsible, they are testing me to see how I handle the pressure of having to prepare dinner. Either way. I'll know. Perfect. The thought bubble is up showing me the lovely reply is on its way. Here comes my salvation. Thirty seconds. Two minutes. Two twenty five. This is a long winded response. All for a simple I got this or you got this response. 6 minutes and still the I'm typing something bubble is there. They must have just hit the space bar by accident so the phone thinks they are typing. They think I'm on the way. They must be in the shower and the phone is glitching. They can't still be typing. Wait. Shit. It's been almost 12 minutes. I still have to get ready. Shower. 10 minutes go by. Pick up my phone to see that indicator of a new message. Peace. Finally an answer as I am heading towards the door. Dammit! It's my mom. "Yes, Mom. I'll be at grandma's on Thursday." Ok. I'm just going over there. We can figure it out once I'm there. Wing it, as they say. I don't care anymore. What the? They are calling me? Like, my phone is ringing. What the fuck does that mean? How am I supposed to respond to this. Shit. That's the second ring. This is a brand new level of shit I can't comprehend right now. Third ring. AH FUCK! "Hello?"
By: Jarrod Weintraub
© July 13, 2015
